Void.

I hate the feeling of a series you've been following for a really long while ending. :(

What ensues is this emptiness, that there's not going to be any more new chapters, new arcs, new chapter developments happening anymore. Because the series has ended, and the author is moving on to new things.

Hitman Reborn is a series that's really close to my heart, because it's everything I look for in a good series--awesome funny cock and yet badass characters, good clean artwork, captivating plot lines, non-stop action, great storytelling skills, cute mascot-y characters, super hot guys, and just good plain humour. I've been following the series for years, and when I heard that Amano-sensei had finally drawn her last Reborn chapter, I felt really reluctant to read that final Arcobaleno arc.

This was because I knew that once I was done with it, there would no longer be any new arcs to look forward to. :(

So here's to a great series that I grew to love so much, characters that taught me so much about friendships, resolutions, and determination, and a series that has really shaped and influenced my art and the way I see things/plots/storylines/character developments. It has been a wonderful adventure, and though I wish it could go one forever, I know this is no One Piece. (hahaha) And the wonderful adventure has finally drawn to a close.

It'll take awhile for the emptiness to ebb away, because Reborn will always have a place in my heart and will always be one of my favourite series and one of the biggest influences in my artwork and storytelling. Amano-sensei has brought me into her crazy world of silly characters, a messed-up mafia, and has left a really lovely legacy to look back on. I'm really sad that it has ended, but I'm really thankful for the journey. :)

It's interesting how I had to finish one of my favourite series at a point in my life like this, because my life seems to reflect the same void I felt when Reborn ended. I'm at a transition period in my life--everything is changing and somehow it doesn't feel like it's changing for the better. (at least not to me)

Everyone is working now and because of that, it's hard to meet up and it's hard to see each other anymore. I know everyone is working really hard to pave a career out for themselves and me not having a full-time normal job is out of the norm, but it's hard to shake off that empty feeling that...perhaps...even with the regular rehearsals and stuff...

I fear that there's nothing to look forward to anymore.

The lifestyle that I grew to love, having friends so close by, living in the same area, going on crazy spontaneous adventures...I feel all of it fading away into a distant memory. One that I fear I may no longer be able to relive, simply because we have all moved on to the next phase of life, where there is no such fun and no such adventure for us to live out. We're growing up into what our parents are, and that life of adventure and boundless fun is...now just a distant memory that we can only look back and smile upon its memory...?

There's gotta be more to life than this.

Perhaps if I were more preoccupied with a full time job, I wouldn't have time for idle, depressing thoughts such as these. Perhaps if I were busier, I would be able to find the meaning behind this life that I used to cherish and would trade nothing in this world for... Perhaps if I saw my friends more often, I wouldn't constantly get the feeling of being alone and left behind.

When you are left behind, the only thing to do is to get back right up and catch the hell up. 

I hate it when people say this, but I'm going to say it and hate myself for this afterward:
Where's my motivation?

Where is the push factor that used to drive me, that made me look forward to tomorrow, that kept me working hard and knowing what I want out of this life? Where is the determination to see my friends again, that boundless hope that knows that we are never truly apart, and the firm resolution to make time for them for meetups?

I used to refuse to believe that I hate change. I want to believe that I embrace, that I look forward to it. But a part of me fears that nothing will ever bring the same excitement and adrenaline ever again. I guess...this is what they meant by a "once-in-a-lifetime experience". Never to be relived ever again...

When I look into the future, I'm sometimes afraid to see a bleak darkness. 

I'm afraid that I'll just sail through life, not being truly happy, but just being "ok" with everything. I don't want an existence like that, I don't want to just be "ok". I want to bring joy to people that I love, to be happy and fulfilled doing what I love, and I want to spend time with people that I love.

I think that perhaps I just miss hanging out with everyone and I need to spend time with them before I go crazy and have these silly thoughts about how my life is a void that just can't be filled.

where. is. my. motivation.