Saturday, February 06, 2010
horrible day.
today was a terrible day.
first thing that happened was that i overslept this morning. it's really not in my nature to oversleep, but i suspect it has to due with the stomach ache i had last night as i was going to bed... i remember turning off one of the 2 alarms i set this morning, but i have NO IDEA what happened to the other one.
the next thing i knew, teo was calling me on the phone, at 9.55AM, asking me where i was.
vetting was supposed to start at 10AM.
i FREAKED, ran to get myself ready, jumped into my costume and reached CFA @ 10.20AM.
i forgot steps for BOTH my items, both during times when i was right in front. it was so so nerve wrecking. i just felt so so disappointed with myself. the fact that i let my choreographers down, my item people down, since i'm an item IC... an item IC is supposed to be there earlier than the rest, getting their item people all hyped up, taking attendance, helping people with costumes...
and what did i do? i overslept and got my fat ass there late.
what a lousy item IC i am...
then after vetting was over, i was prepared to rush over to Eusoff for our Dance Production piecing. each piecing has 2 runs, one in the morning and one in the afternoon. obviously i missed the morning one because of our vetting, so i felt i really had to go for the afternoon one, especially since i missed the first piecing ENTIRELY. (due to Impresario Semi-finals)
and then i realised i had EMCC rehearsal from 1-3pm. DP piecing 2nd run was from 1-4pm.
this time i really felt that i had let Rasul, my fellow choreographer, down. he's been covering for me all these weeks that i've been late for pracs due to EMCC, Impresario practice, and he's been tanking a lot of things like choreography, blocking, formations... i just feel that i'm not being fair to him at all.
i finished EMCC prac @ 3.10pm and got to Eusoff by 3.20pm.
...just in time to see the last item.
i missed BOTH my item runs. one which i choreographed, and one which i'm dancing for.
i've never seen my dancers do a full run during piecing before AT ALL.
i've never done a full run during piecing at all either.
i effectively missed BOTH my first piecings entirely.
then our Dance Directors said that the last time for costume alterations by wardrobe is tomorrow (Sunday) night. 10pm-12am. during which i will not be in hall, since i'm out of hall on Sundays and only return on Monday. in other words, i'm just going to have to take my costumes as they are.
there has only been 1 costumes fitting. during which my costumes did NOT fit me at all. i can't dance without ripping the shirt/pants apart into shreds. that's when they sent it back for 1st altering.
i couldn't make it for any of the previous alterations due to EMCC pracs + competition discussion stuff + DU pracs and now i'm probably going to have a costume that doesn't fit for the last piecing. and it's all my fault...
i just hope i don't rip anything during the last piecing. seriously.
then i had to rush back to Serangoon from Eusoff for my dad's 50th birthday dinner, meaning that i was missing Karen's prac, despite being her IC. if it wasn't such a big thing, if my dad wasn't turning half a century old today, i would've gone for Karen's... but yeah. i missed Karen's, and i think people probably think even less of me now, especially after all of today's screw ups.
and i was 10 minutes late to meet my family, because i had to rush from piecing and de-brief. arghhhhh family ALMOST kicked up a fuss but thankfully assumed i was late because i dilly dallied and not because i was doing hall stuff/dancing (which would have REALLY pissed my mum off).
i guess the only nice thing that happened today was all the encouragements i got from my dear friends, to stay strong, to keep moving forward, to keep looking up... and of course how happy my dad was to see that i could make it for his birthday.
...i think that maybe, just maybe, these things alone make all the shit today sorta worth it. :)
cheers and love ; 11:38 PM
Friday, February 05, 2010
dream post.
just woke up from a really scary dream, where everyone i loved HATED me.
i was supposed to be teaching a dance in the dream.
...i hope this isn't de javu or something. it'd be really depressing/frightening/worrying if it was... x(
this makes me wonder whether i should keep a dream log. to record what i've been dreaming in my sleep (or at least what i can remember)
but damn, it feel so REAL... x(
cheers and love ; 3:03 PM
Sunday, January 31, 2010
thanks and no thanks.
so proud of FlickerHolic, so thankful to God for this opportunity, so grateful to everyone who came to support... words cannot express my joy and gratitude and how blessed i feel to have made it in.
much thanks to teo's mum, who allowed us to put up at her house, and did most of our makeup for us! ahhh thank youuuu... it's so nice to have a good friend's parent treat you so nicely...
xin's parents came to support her as well! so sweet lah...
as for mine... hmm.
dad was happy and proud. :) but i can't say the same for mum.
when i came home, i received an unexpected scolding.
no "i'm proud of you,"
no "congrats!",
no "what a pleasant surprise!"
no "you've done well,"
not even a "Thank God."
she rounded in on me and scolded me, and was very unhappy to hear that we had made it into the finals. VERY unhappy. and she exasperatedly and angrily said that i should stop bothering myself in things like these. she said that since she LET me decide what i want to study, the least i can do is to excel in it.
wtf is that supposed to mean. don't i at least have the right to decide what i want to pursue and study in uni? don't i at least have the right to decide what i want to DO in uni, even if it's something she doesn't like me doing? i can't understand this. i can't understand why a 19 year old still cannot make her own decisions about what path she wishes to take for the future. i can't understand it at all. why does she think it's NORMAL for her to decide on these aspects of my life? why is it considered extremely gracious of her to LET me study what i WANT to study? shouldn't that rightfully be the case?
maybe it's because i compare my situation with friends my age, whose parents are a lot more liberal, and supportive. at least they don't stand in their children's way and do everything they can to make sure their children know that they are unsupportive of their passions and what they love.
can't she tell how much i love dancing?
can't she see that God has a purpose for guiding me in this competition?
can't she let me do what i love without emotionally blackmailing me and trying to guilt me into quitting dance?
sorry mum, i'm not quitting. even if you told me directly. which you won't.
i guess it's like a contract agreement. if i want to continue with dance, i need to push up my grades. 4.0 is far from enough, i need to do better, in order to be allowed to do what i love.
it's so hard to stay strong.
it's so hard to have a mum who is completely unsupportive of what you enjoy doing, and what you want to do.
it's so hard, Lord.
i do not want to face her tomorrow morning. nor am i looking forward to sitting in her car on the way back to school on monday morning. i do not wish to see her, or talk to her. i do not want to argue with her, i do not wish to hear her nagging and scolding again.
the only thing i'm afraid of now is if she refuses to let me stay in hall next sem. now that would be problematic.
it's times like these i wish i had done something like going overseas to study, because i can do whatever i want without her restricting me, burdening me, pulling me down. i wish i could live a life where i didn't always need to answer to her, or to adhere to her lofty plans and ambitions for me.
i understand she's concerned about my life. but i think it's time for her to let me take control of it as well. it's time for her to let me grow up. it's time for her to stop imposing her plans for me onto me when i clearly have other plans. grrr.
cheers and love ; 12:33 AM
Saturday, January 23, 2010
sorry i can't...
I HAVE DANCE.
story of my life. xD
today's not been a very good day for me. so i wrote something to help chase away the blues for tomorrow's (effectively today's) jammed-packed-with-dance day.
(inspired by Pyramids by Trouble Over Tokyo -- SUPER NICE SONG.)
To Let Go.
I don’t really know if this will do
Whispering goodbye upon a trembling lip
Sometimes I really wish it could be you
But while I’m still standing here, let me say this
All my thoughts on you are wasted on a dream that won’t fade
A dream that’s real but not real enough to feel like it really lives
You’ve gone away and now you’re just a single speck in the dis-tance
And now I’m here, starting to let go
It hurts but I’ve no choice—oh oh
I’m just going to act like it’s okay every day
Because though I’ve tried so hard I find I just can’t
Get you out of my head
I’ve thrown all I can at you
But nothing works like I thought it would
You’ve always been far—out of my reach
I guess it has to be this way
All I’ve thought was just something that doesn’t really make sense
Just an illusion of my disbelief and maybe regret
You’ve gone away and now I’m crying by the tree we first met
And now I’m here, ready to let go
It’s not enough I can’t understand
This swan song playing on my heartstrings
Whilst I’ve still got my sanity
I’ll dance it all away
All my reasoning has washed out like a can of old paint
I’ll face the truth you’re nothing more than fleeting winds in my hair
You’ve gone away I thought you cared about me more than you did
And now I’m here, it’s hard to let go
All my thoughts on you are wasted on a dream that won’t fade
A dream that’s real but not real enough to feel like it really lives
You’ve gone away you don’t care about me, wait, no you never did
And now I’m here, I’ve let go
I’ve let go, and now the tears will flow
cheers and love ; 12:57 AM
Sunday, January 17, 2010
life of a dance-addict.
i really feel like i'm living dance now.
and i'm not sure if it's a good thing...? i'm so happy and thankful, but is this the way my life's supposed to flow? hahaa. part-time student, full-time dancer...? xD
that aside, i'm really so thankful and i really feel so blessed to be in FlickerHolic together with all these dope dancers... it's such an honour to be working with them. and they're people i can really relate to and talk so comfortably with... it's like, i'm really starting to find my family here... :)
oh. this is random, or maybe it's not so random. but sometimes i wish i could get my mum off my back. :/
she doesn't like my new hair colour. haha. SURPRISE SURPRISE. she freaked even more when i said that my initial plan was for it to be light green. she then proceeded to scold me and warn me not to blindly follow fashion trends because other people think it's cool.
...can't she just consider the possibility that i MYSELF find it cool? do my opinions always have to be influenced by others? why does she think that i don't have an opinion of my own? why does she think i don't have any individuality and only follow trends?
just shows how well she knows me. *scoffs*
she also finds it ridiculous that i have pracs on Saturday night. thank God she doesn't know about all my other 1001 pracs. sometimes i feel bad for keeping so many things from her, but my rational side always convinces me that this is the best way for her. because her health and well-being is the most important, and i don't want to end up bursting a blood vessel of hers.
i think my mum wishes for a normal, (boring) girly feminine daughter. who doesn't have the confidence or determination to pursue dance and art. oops. sorry to disappoint you, mum.
i wonder when the time will come when i can achieve full independence. as in, do whatever i want, without having to worry about her scolding me, or stopping me.
--i had to leave a prac early tonight in order to appease her. this might cost me more than i am prepared to lose, but i pray that it won't be as serious or as bad as i fear it might be.
i will blog again on this matter if the cost of my action of leaving early to appease my mum is indeed what i feared it was, and what i fear i am still unprepared for. i will never forgive myself for it, if it happens...
i love dance, i love my crew, i love my friends who have been supporting and encouraging me all the way.
i love art, i love expression, i love creativity, i love being busy, i love rehearsing, learning choreography and practising with my crew.
but most of all, i love the one and only Lord God for making all these things possible for me. :)
there are many promises i have made to You, but have yet to fulfill them... please give me the strength and courage to do so...
cheers and love ; 2:14 AM
Saturday, January 02, 2010
remembering 2009
it's already 2010... when's the last time i blogged?
i thought of dedicating this blog post to new year resolutions. but i realised i haven't really made any yet LOL. *cue sheepish laughter*
so i got the idea from some Tweeps, and decided to make a list of memorable times in 2009.
i'm very sure i'm going to miss something out, but this beats having to recall what happened last year another 10 years down the road.
in chronological order,
memorable time #1: being in the musical.
OHO, i so remember getting into a whole shitload of trouble with my family thanks to this.
i also remember meeting a lot of people, many of whom are now my close friends. :)
memorable time #2: being in Freek Tees, and also watching us disband, for the better.
it was an experience, albeit a slightly disappointing one, but memorable one nonetheless. i thank Suu and Tieren for teaching me so much during this time...
memorable time #3: a few open classes at Studio Wu.
and being more exposed to what the outside world of dance is like. also learning popping, locking and house basics and growing to love Old School Hip Hop, which i was rarely exposed to in JC.
memorable time #4: getting back the As.
and getting grilled by my mum for not getting the 3-5 As she wanted, coping with the disappointment, and moving on to realise that my grades actually work better for me than 5 straight As would.
memorable time #5: my first job ever
...guiding Japanese students around Chinatown and Little India!
which i had never really visited before. :/ hahaha i feel as if i cheated the poor children :x
memorable time #6: auditioning for Universal Studios Auditions and meeting famous people
and of course, not getting it. hahaha.
memorable time #7: several outings with Aunty Elsie and spending time with her, and also watching A LOT of movies together.
those were fun times. i love going out with Aunty Elsie and talking to her about things like life, my future, my ambitions...
memorable time #8: composing, singing and music sessions with Lex @ my place.
it's been awhile since we've had that...
memorable time #9: working for awhile at D.O.P.E.
my first ever job teaching dance, and although i wouldn't like to go back there to work again, i learnt a lot on the job, about how teaching needs a lot of stamina, clear explanations, and ten tonnes of PATIENCE.
memorable time #10: Penang Trip with family!
lots of yummy yummy food omggg, had a great relaxing time with my family. i also went jet-skiing for the first time, and parasailing! i loved the speed of cruising on the sea on that jet-skii *adrenaline junkie*
memorable time #11: creating actual characters for EPC hahaha
though they're now more for humour and entertainment than a real, serious comic/CREW. :P
memorable time #12: Dance Night 2009.
performing the Alumni item, and watching how improved the juniors are under An An, and being inspired by their brilliant concepts, choreography, costumes, showmanship and IMPROVEMENT. i hope these juniors of mine never stop dancing and inspiring :)
memorable time #13: taking driving test theory LOL
and now my mum is rushing me to pass my practical quickly hahaha i need to get it over and done withhhh :/
memorable time #14: passing my Grade 8 piano exam
and also finishing my "term" with Connie... it's been an awesome 7 years with her, saying goodbye to her during our last lesson before the exam was really hard, but it had to be done... i haven't really thought about her over the past few weeks, but now that i think about her, i still feel kinda sad...
memorable time #15: i-sketch ADDICTION LOL
i want to play it NOW ACTUALLY, but i don't have my tablet with me now! D:
memorable time #16: ABDC season 3 addiction HAHAHA
QUEST + BEAT FREAKS + OTHER DOPE CREWS AND CHOREOS :D
memorable time #17: making it to NUS Arts!
not only making the cut, but also managing to convince my mum to let me enter the Arts stream in NUS
memorable time #18: getting my beautiful new laptop
the first computer i have which belongs solely to MEEEE
(my previous ones were all shared)
memorable time #19: moving in to Eusoff Hall
which has really been quite the experience! :D
so thankful i live in hall, seriously...
memorable time #20: Eusoff RAG Dance
1pm to 1am practices YOSH. i remember dragging myself to bathe before collapsing on my bed at 3am in the morning for the first few times in my life.
i also remember missing all of O week thanks to RAG HAHA
and i remember feeling so emotional when Eusoff clinched so many awards this year :)
memorable time #21: my first clubbing experience
which i disliked IMMENSELY.
memorable time #22: numerous gatherings of old friends...
...we need to have more, this year.
memorable time #23: passing the auditions to Blast!
these scared me so so much, but i really really thank God for giving me the opportunity and letting me make it in. since then, i've grown close to my Blast! mates, since we go for classes together. i never miss a class, as long as i can help it! having this scholarship is truly a privilege that i want to make the best use of and not let it go to waste!
memorable time #24: Talentime Performance!
my first hall performance in NUS, and it was on a frickin' grass patch wth
memorable time #25: cutting and dyeing my hair HEHE
and i'm planning to do something EVEN MORE DRASTIC to it this 2010 ;)
memorable time #26: CultureShock performance!
we really worked our asses off with this one, intensive 8pm-2am pracs omgg
memorable time #27: awesome Theatre mates, and a wonderfully epic Theatre Studies experience!
i'll never forget the DAILY rehearsals, the night when i TOTALLY DIDN'T SLEEP in order to finish a portfolio (my first taste at putting together a portfolio)
memorable time #28: mugging LIKE I'VE NEVER MUGGED BEFORE for final exams.
seriously i don't think i was this determined or focused, even for the As.
maybe that explains my grades. :/
memorable time #29: Taiwan Holiday
where i bought A LOT OF STUFF despite having very little time and chances to shop!!! :D
memorable time #30: Blast! camp
which was such a blast, literally.
enjoyed myself so much, and learnt so much from the classes and seniors and choreo sessions...
memorable time #31: FlickerHolic Crew FORMED
and now we're geared up for the competition on Sunday! :D
i'm so thankful to the Lord for this tight group of DOPE dancers and GREAT FRIENDS that i've really grown to appreciate, respect, and most of all LOVE over the weeks... it's such an honour to be in the same crew as them for Impressario, they're such great dancers, and such a bunch of CRAZYYY people. the kind of people i feel so comfortable with in NUS. they SPEAK DANCE TOO HEHEHE :D
so many things to give thanks for, so many things i'm indebted to the Lord for... i'm glad i took the time to type them all out, so that i can refer back to this entry in future, if i ever need to see the countless things i'm thankful to Him for.
i pray i'll grow closer to Him this year, and be able and willing to serve Him more this year. :)
oh well. time to sleep. i've got competition rehearsal with the Flickers at 8.30am OMG. D:
toodles! happy new year everyone! :D
cheers and love ; 12:14 AM
Thursday, December 03, 2009
life after torture.
exams are over, and the days are a lot more fun and meaningful.
what have i been up to? besides enduring all the "OMG YOU END EXAMS ALREADY?! YOU GUNDU WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING IN HALL", i guess i've been using the comp like electricity here is free. haha, and also using the dance studio like it's free too.
yes this is evidently a dig at the what i believe to be OUTRAGEOUS prices for December hall stay, considering that:
1) it's only for a month
2) no food is provided
3) i'm staying mostly to do stuff for the hall itself.
what the fishsticks is up with charging us close to 400 bucks anyway? :C
forgive me, i'm still trying to recover from the fact that so much money has been sucked out of my bank account. i'm going to have to save and scrimp like a shrimp to get back that amount again. x(
had our D-Arts rehearsal at Eusoff today. i managed to teach quite a lot, and i'm thankful for that, but after trying to work out future pracs, i began to get discouraged and stressed up again. i felt this way because all our holiday schedules clash like crazy, when i get back from Taiwan, Lydia's leaving, that kinda thing. it's so shitty, that the only time we're probably able to get everyone down (which is a grand total of FIVE people, btw) is probably 4 days before the event itself. very last minute, you see.
on a side note, the Xmas Performance @ Orchard Central is cancelled. although this frees up my schedule a little, i'm still pretty sad about it. performing at Orchard is something i've been wanting to do a long time. Tapestry was something like that, but this one's at Orchard Central, in the spirit of Christmas! finding out that we weren't going to dance for that anymore made me sad, albeit freer. sigh. when it comes to dance, i can be such a workaholic--the more work the better.
also, i think i use the word "shit" too much. it's starting to lose its vulgar-ness. i say it as casually as people say, "that's nice." i.e. "DOPE SHIT!"
i realised i really like how uni exams are like--once you're done with a module, that's IT. you don't have to carry forward the information from before (with the exception of Korean, because it's a language. very different, indeed.) to the next term and mug a whole huge shit load of stuff the next term, because you'll only be tested on the modules for that term. this also means one crucial thing:
NO HOLIDAY HOMEWORK OR PROJECTS.
which is AWESOME NEWS because now that exams are over, people are REALLY free. no more running back to rooms to mug for next sem or rubbish like that :) it's nice to see i'm not the only goon nua-ing at the dining hall after breakfast/dinner now. people are starting to take the time to relax and enjoy spending time hanging out with their friends, now that they don't have the constant worry of homework/exams looming over them. it's a nice feeling.
remember i was saying that i was upset about how i'm going on holiday and it's messing up all my commitments schedules? i'm starting to feel thankful that i'm escaping from all these commitments for awhile. although i'll miss dancing a lot for that one week, i'm glad i don't have to put up with shit from horribly clashing schedules, not being able to even get 5 people to meet on a single day (wts srsly), trying to fit in ACTING rehearsals amidst all my DANCE pracs, people asking me for deadlines and stuff and then being late and delayed and slow and INEFFICIENT sigh. it'll be nice to get away from this for awhile. though i am ashamed to admit that i will miss this hecticness and mad-rush-ness of my life during that one week.
i am looking forward to food and shopping. i'd like to stock up on 1) hiphop clothes and accessories and 2) nice pretty/cool clothes and accessories. i'd also like to get nice presents for my buddies for Christmas.
i'm considering investing in a scanner-printer for my room. i need a scanner, but i could always go back home and use the one at home during the weekends. the only drawback is that, i have to wait for the weekends. is it worth it, then? should i save the money for a new tablet instead? (alternatively i could save the money for next year's vacation stay. -_-)
i've been spending too much time on the comp and too little time with friends before i go off. the allure of this blinking colourful screen is just too much to resist.
and now i shall try to persuade myself to sleep.
forcing just doesn't work anymore.
cheers and love ; 3:06 AM
