i wish.

just read an article about a woman whose current goal in life is to be The Fattest Woman On Earth. :/

talk about "purposes in life", huh.

i have also just watched a video talking about the Hip Hop scene in Singapore, about how we're very choreography and lines based, and that we need to touch back on the freestyling aspect of Hip Hop before we can truly call ourselves Hip Hop dancers. it was inspiring and motivational--i wanna go back to practising my freestyling again :) heehee. was considering asking the Blast!ards and the Flicks whether we could include freestyle cyphers during our future sessions together. sounds fun! though i'm pretty sure imma gonna get pwned.

had interesting conversation with raichu about boys. haha. it was interesting because it's been ages since i've talked about relationships and boys. i guess i've subconsciously been trying to push the topic to the back of my mind? which is weird, because it's always interesting to hear/talk about it. xP hmm. weird.

how do i put this...?
...sometimes i wish i could be more open with my feelings?
like how i put it to raichu, sometimes i wish i had the balls to say how i feel.

but nah. i'm humji that way.

i told raichu that nowadays, when feelings start to develop, i tend to try to turn them off. like turning off a faucet. so that i won't feel anything anymore. i guess it's a defence mechanism of some sort, to protect myself from getting hurt. because i have the mentality that no one will ever like me back, so i shouldn't harbour any false hope.

i guess i've been deluded too many times before, that now i'm sorta SICK of it. :P

i feel i've been stuck in a cycle that never ends.

because i'm too afraid of having one-sided feelings like i've always been having, i choose to deny them. and because i deny them, nothing actually happens. and i get even more afraid because the fear of rejection grows even stronger. and when it happens again, i'll vehemently deny it again.

all i could think of was a broken heart.
i'm afraid of habouring false hopes. so i prefer to just ignore the feelings instead of plunging myself into something where i could potentially get hurt.

but maybe, it'd be nice if i could let myself embrace and accept my feelings once in awhile... instead of denying them and shoving them aside.

because that's what love's supposed to be like, isn't it? unconditional, self-sacrificing, innocent, and sweet.

i shouldn't be worrying about whether i'm going to get hurt or disappointed, right?

...just maybe. i should learn to love like this once again. :)








why can't i just tell you that i care?