thanks and no thanks.

so proud of FlickerHolic, so thankful to God for this opportunity, so grateful to everyone who came to support... words cannot express my joy and gratitude and how blessed i feel to have made it in.

much thanks to teo's mum, who allowed us to put up at her house, and did most of our makeup for us! ahhh thank youuuu... it's so nice to have a good friend's parent treat you so nicely...

xin's parents came to support her as well! so sweet lah...

as for mine... hmm.

dad was happy and proud. :) but i can't say the same for mum.

when i came home, i received an unexpected scolding.
no "i'm proud of you,"
no "congrats!",
no "what a pleasant surprise!"
no "you've done well,"
not even a "Thank God."

she rounded in on me and scolded me, and was very unhappy to hear that we had made it into the finals. VERY unhappy. and she exasperatedly and angrily said that i should stop bothering myself in things like these. she said that since she LET me decide what i want to study, the least i can do is to excel in it.

wtf is that supposed to mean. don't i at least have the right to decide what i want to pursue and study in uni? don't i at least have the right to decide what i want to DO in uni, even if it's something she doesn't like me doing? i can't understand this. i can't understand why a 19 year old still cannot make her own decisions about what path she wishes to take for the future. i can't understand it at all. why does she think it's NORMAL for her to decide on these aspects of my life? why is it considered extremely gracious of her to LET me study what i WANT to study? shouldn't that rightfully be the case?

maybe it's because i compare my situation with friends my age, whose parents are a lot more liberal, and supportive. at least they don't stand in their children's way and do everything they can to make sure their children know that they are unsupportive of their passions and what they love.

can't she tell how much i love dancing?
can't she see that God has a purpose for guiding me in this competition?
can't she let me do what i love without emotionally blackmailing me and trying to guilt me into quitting dance?
sorry mum, i'm not quitting. even if you told me directly. which you won't.

i guess it's like a contract agreement. if i want to continue with dance, i need to push up my grades. 4.0 is far from enough, i need to do better, in order to be allowed to do what i love.

it's so hard to stay strong.
it's so hard to have a mum who is completely unsupportive of what you enjoy doing, and what you want to do.
it's so hard, Lord.

i do not want to face her tomorrow morning. nor am i looking forward to sitting in her car on the way back to school on monday morning. i do not wish to see her, or talk to her. i do not want to argue with her, i do not wish to hear her nagging and scolding again.

the only thing i'm afraid of now is if she refuses to let me stay in hall next sem. now that would be problematic.

it's times like these i wish i had done something like going overseas to study, because i can do whatever i want without her restricting me, burdening me, pulling me down. i wish i could live a life where i didn't always need to answer to her, or to adhere to her lofty plans and ambitions for me.

i understand she's concerned about my life. but i think it's time for her to let me take control of it as well. it's time for her to let me grow up. it's time for her to stop imposing her plans for me onto me when i clearly have other plans. grrr.