thanks and no thanks.

so proud of FlickerHolic, so thankful to God for this opportunity, so grateful to everyone who came to support... words cannot express my joy and gratitude and how blessed i feel to have made it in.

much thanks to teo's mum, who allowed us to put up at her house, and did most of our makeup for us! ahhh thank youuuu... it's so nice to have a good friend's parent treat you so nicely...

xin's parents came to support her as well! so sweet lah...

as for mine... hmm.

dad was happy and proud. :) but i can't say the same for mum.

when i came home, i received an unexpected scolding.
no "i'm proud of you,"
no "congrats!",
no "what a pleasant surprise!"
no "you've done well,"
not even a "Thank God."

she rounded in on me and scolded me, and was very unhappy to hear that we had made it into the finals. VERY unhappy. and she exasperatedly and angrily said that i should stop bothering myself in things like these. she said that since she LET me decide what i want to study, the least i can do is to excel in it.

wtf is that supposed to mean. don't i at least have the right to decide what i want to pursue and study in uni? don't i at least have the right to decide what i want to DO in uni, even if it's something she doesn't like me doing? i can't understand this. i can't understand why a 19 year old still cannot make her own decisions about what path she wishes to take for the future. i can't understand it at all. why does she think it's NORMAL for her to decide on these aspects of my life? why is it considered extremely gracious of her to LET me study what i WANT to study? shouldn't that rightfully be the case?

maybe it's because i compare my situation with friends my age, whose parents are a lot more liberal, and supportive. at least they don't stand in their children's way and do everything they can to make sure their children know that they are unsupportive of their passions and what they love.

can't she tell how much i love dancing?
can't she see that God has a purpose for guiding me in this competition?
can't she let me do what i love without emotionally blackmailing me and trying to guilt me into quitting dance?
sorry mum, i'm not quitting. even if you told me directly. which you won't.

i guess it's like a contract agreement. if i want to continue with dance, i need to push up my grades. 4.0 is far from enough, i need to do better, in order to be allowed to do what i love.

it's so hard to stay strong.
it's so hard to have a mum who is completely unsupportive of what you enjoy doing, and what you want to do.
it's so hard, Lord.

i do not want to face her tomorrow morning. nor am i looking forward to sitting in her car on the way back to school on monday morning. i do not wish to see her, or talk to her. i do not want to argue with her, i do not wish to hear her nagging and scolding again.

the only thing i'm afraid of now is if she refuses to let me stay in hall next sem. now that would be problematic.

it's times like these i wish i had done something like going overseas to study, because i can do whatever i want without her restricting me, burdening me, pulling me down. i wish i could live a life where i didn't always need to answer to her, or to adhere to her lofty plans and ambitions for me.

i understand she's concerned about my life. but i think it's time for her to let me take control of it as well. it's time for her to let me grow up. it's time for her to stop imposing her plans for me onto me when i clearly have other plans. grrr.

sorry i can't...

I HAVE DANCE.

story of my life. xD

today's not been a very good day for me. so i wrote something to help chase away the blues for tomorrow's (effectively today's) jammed-packed-with-dance day.

(inspired by Pyramids by Trouble Over Tokyo -- SUPER NICE SONG.)

To Let Go.
I don’t really know if this will do
Whispering goodbye upon a trembling lip
Sometimes I really wish it could be you
But while I’m still standing here, let me say this

All my thoughts on you are wasted on a dream that won’t fade
A dream that’s real but not real enough to feel like it really lives
You’ve gone away and now you’re just a single speck in the dis-tance
And now I’m here, starting to let go

It hurts but I’ve no choice—oh oh
I’m just going to act like it’s okay every day
Because though I’ve tried so hard I find I just can’t
Get you out of my head

I’ve thrown all I can at you
But nothing works like I thought it would
You’ve always been far—out of my reach
I guess it has to be this way

All I’ve thought was just something that doesn’t really make sense
Just an illusion of my disbelief and maybe regret
You’ve gone away and now I’m crying by the tree we first met
And now I’m here, ready to let go

It’s not enough I can’t understand
This swan song playing on my heartstrings
Whilst I’ve still got my sanity
I’ll dance it all away

All my reasoning has washed out like a can of old paint
I’ll face the truth you’re nothing more than fleeting winds in my hair
You’ve gone away I thought you cared about me more than you did
And now I’m here, it’s hard to let go

All my thoughts on you are wasted on a dream that won’t fade
A dream that’s real but not real enough to feel like it really lives
You’ve gone away you don’t care about me, wait, no you never did
And now I’m here, I’ve let go

I’ve let go, and now the tears will flow

life of a dance-addict.

i really feel like i'm living dance now.

and i'm not sure if it's a good thing...? i'm so happy and thankful, but is this the way my life's supposed to flow? hahaa. part-time student, full-time dancer...? xD

that aside, i'm really so thankful and i really feel so blessed to be in FlickerHolic together with all these dope dancers... it's such an honour to be working with them. and they're people i can really relate to and talk so comfortably with... it's like, i'm really starting to find my family here... :)

oh. this is random, or maybe it's not so random. but sometimes i wish i could get my mum off my back. :/

she doesn't like my new hair colour. haha. SURPRISE SURPRISE. she freaked even more when i said that my initial plan was for it to be light green. she then proceeded to scold me and warn me not to blindly follow fashion trends because other people think it's cool.

...can't she just consider the possibility that i MYSELF find it cool? do my opinions always have to be influenced by others? why does she think that i don't have an opinion of my own? why does she think i don't have any individuality and only follow trends?

just shows how well she knows me. *scoffs*

she also finds it ridiculous that i have pracs on Saturday night. thank God she doesn't know about all my other 1001 pracs. sometimes i feel bad for keeping so many things from her, but my rational side always convinces me that this is the best way for her. because her health and well-being is the most important, and i don't want to end up bursting a blood vessel of hers.

i think my mum wishes for a normal, (boring) girly feminine daughter. who doesn't have the confidence or determination to pursue dance and art. oops. sorry to disappoint you, mum.

i wonder when the time will come when i can achieve full independence. as in, do whatever i want, without having to worry about her scolding me, or stopping me.

--i had to leave a prac early tonight in order to appease her. this might cost me more than i am prepared to lose, but i pray that it won't be as serious or as bad as i fear it might be.

i will blog again on this matter if the cost of my action of leaving early to appease my mum is indeed what i feared it was, and what i fear i am still unprepared for. i will never forgive myself for it, if it happens...

i love dance, i love my crew, i love my friends who have been supporting and encouraging me all the way.

i love art, i love expression, i love creativity, i love being busy, i love rehearsing, learning choreography and practising with my crew.

but most of all, i love the one and only Lord God for making all these things possible for me. :)

there are many promises i have made to You, but have yet to fulfill them... please give me the strength and courage to do so...

remembering 2009

it's already 2010... when's the last time i blogged?

i thought of dedicating this blog post to new year resolutions. but i realised i haven't really made any yet LOL. *cue sheepish laughter*

so i got the idea from some Tweeps, and decided to make a list of memorable times in 2009.

i'm very sure i'm going to miss something out, but this beats having to recall what happened last year another 10 years down the road.

in chronological order,

memorable time #1: being in the musical.

OHO, i so remember getting into a whole shitload of trouble with my family thanks to this.

i also remember meeting a lot of people, many of whom are now my close friends. :)

memorable time #2: being in Freek Tees, and also watching us disband, for the better.

it was an experience, albeit a slightly disappointing one, but memorable one nonetheless. i thank Suu and Tieren for teaching me so much during this time...

memorable time #3: a few open classes at Studio Wu.

and being more exposed to what the outside world of dance is like. also learning popping, locking and house basics and growing to love Old School Hip Hop, which i was rarely exposed to in JC.

memorable time #4: getting back the As.

and getting grilled by my mum for not getting the 3-5 As she wanted, coping with the disappointment, and moving on to realise that my grades actually work better for me than 5 straight As would.

memorable time #5: my first job ever

...guiding Japanese students around Chinatown and Little India!

which i had never really visited before. :/ hahaha i feel as if i cheated the poor children :x

memorable time #6: auditioning for Universal Studios Auditions and meeting famous people

and of course, not getting it. hahaha.

memorable time #7: several outings with Aunty Elsie and spending time with her, and also watching A LOT of movies together.

those were fun times. i love going out with Aunty Elsie and talking to her about things like life, my future, my ambitions...

memorable time #8: composing, singing and music sessions with Lex @ my place.

it's been awhile since we've had that...

memorable time #9: working for awhile at D.O.P.E.

my first ever job teaching dance, and although i wouldn't like to go back there to work again, i learnt a lot on the job, about how teaching needs a lot of stamina, clear explanations, and ten tonnes of PATIENCE.

memorable time #10: Penang Trip with family!

lots of yummy yummy food omggg, had a great relaxing time with my family. i also went jet-skiing for the first time, and parasailing! i loved the speed of cruising on the sea on that jet-skii *adrenaline junkie*

memorable time #11: creating actual characters for EPC hahaha

though they're now more for humour and entertainment than a real, serious comic/CREW. :P

memorable time #12: Dance Night 2009.

performing the Alumni item, and watching how improved the juniors are under An An, and being inspired by their brilliant concepts, choreography, costumes, showmanship and IMPROVEMENT. i hope these juniors of mine never stop dancing and inspiring :)

memorable time #13: taking driving test theory LOL

and now my mum is rushing me to pass my practical quickly hahaha i need to get it over and done withhhh :/

memorable time #14: passing my Grade 8 piano exam

and also finishing my "term" with Connie... it's been an awesome 7 years with her, saying goodbye to her during our last lesson before the exam was really hard, but it had to be done... i haven't really thought about her over the past few weeks, but now that i think about her, i still feel kinda sad...

memorable time #15: i-sketch ADDICTION LOL

i want to play it NOW ACTUALLY, but i don't have my tablet with me now! D:

memorable time #16: ABDC season 3 addiction HAHAHA

QUEST + BEAT FREAKS + OTHER DOPE CREWS AND CHOREOS :D

memorable time #17: making it to NUS Arts!

not only making the cut, but also managing to convince my mum to let me enter the Arts stream in NUS

memorable time #18: getting my beautiful new laptop

the first computer i have which belongs solely to MEEEE

(my previous ones were all shared)

memorable time #19: moving in to Eusoff Hall

which has really been quite the experience! :D

so thankful i live in hall, seriously...

memorable time #20: Eusoff RAG Dance

1pm to 1am practices YOSH. i remember dragging myself to bathe before collapsing on my bed at 3am in the morning for the first few times in my life.

i also remember missing all of O week thanks to RAG HAHA

and i remember feeling so emotional when Eusoff clinched so many awards this year :)

memorable time #21: my first clubbing experience

which i disliked IMMENSELY.

memorable time #22: numerous gatherings of old friends...

...we need to have more, this year.

memorable time #23: passing the auditions to Blast!

these scared me so so much, but i really really thank God for giving me the opportunity and letting me make it in. since then, i've grown close to my Blast! mates, since we go for classes together. i never miss a class, as long as i can help it! having this scholarship is truly a privilege that i want to make the best use of and not let it go to waste!

memorable time #24: Talentime Performance!

my first hall performance in NUS, and it was on a frickin' grass patch wth

memorable time #25: cutting and dyeing my hair HEHE

and i'm planning to do something EVEN MORE DRASTIC to it this 2010 ;)

memorable time #26: CultureShock performance!

we really worked our asses off with this one, intensive 8pm-2am pracs omgg

memorable time #27: awesome Theatre mates, and a wonderfully epic Theatre Studies experience!

i'll never forget the DAILY rehearsals, the night when i TOTALLY DIDN'T SLEEP in order to finish a portfolio (my first taste at putting together a portfolio)

memorable time #28: mugging LIKE I'VE NEVER MUGGED BEFORE for final exams.

seriously i don't think i was this determined or focused, even for the As.

maybe that explains my grades. :/

memorable time #29: Taiwan Holiday

where i bought A LOT OF STUFF despite having very little time and chances to shop!!! :D

memorable time #30: Blast! camp

which was such a blast, literally.

enjoyed myself so much, and learnt so much from the classes and seniors and choreo sessions...

memorable time #31: FlickerHolic Crew FORMED

and now we're geared up for the competition on Sunday! :D

i'm so thankful to the Lord for this tight group of DOPE dancers and GREAT FRIENDS that i've really grown to appreciate, respect, and most of all LOVE over the weeks... it's such an honour to be in the same crew as them for Impressario, they're such great dancers, and such a bunch of CRAZYYY people. the kind of people i feel so comfortable with in NUS. they SPEAK DANCE TOO HEHEHE :D

so many things to give thanks for, so many things i'm indebted to the Lord for... i'm glad i took the time to type them all out, so that i can refer back to this entry in future, if i ever need to see the countless things i'm thankful to Him for.

i pray i'll grow closer to Him this year, and be able and willing to serve Him more this year. :)

oh well. time to sleep. i've got competition rehearsal with the Flickers at 8.30am OMG. D:

toodles! happy new year everyone! :D