to be frank...

watching vids of the Flicks' performance really makes me beam with pride :):):):)

i'm so so proud of them, and it's such an honour to be on that same stage, in the same crew as them...

i hate it when my inferiority complex and reality kick in.

i'm really a weak link in my crew, completely outshone, and sometimes even doing stuff to ruin Moments in our item. urghh. i'm becoming such a liability to them that it pisses me off.
i piss me off. seriously.

why can't i be stronger for my crew? why do i always have to pull them down? even when i'm supposed to fade into the background, i stick out like a sore thumb.

arggarghhh.

also, when the Flicks said that i should be really thankful to have a friend like Betts, it really struck me, like, i wondered:
Why would they say that?
and then i realised, they probably think someone like me doesn't deserve a friend as awesome and as good as her. which on hindsight is true--i don't.

and it crushed me to think so.

"i SHOULD be thankful to have a friend like her."

self-righteousness kicked in first--i thought of all the things i've done for her, all the things we went through together, and i was like,
"We deserve each other. We've both done things to make up for each others' shortcomings, and we both have sacrificed and given things for each other. We deserve each other. We should be thankful FOR EACH OTHER."

but...

"You should be thankful that you've a friend like her.
...YOU. Should be thankful. For HER."

and it hit me. i should be thankful for her. not the other way around.

what have i done for her that's really commendable and praiseworthy? what have i done for her to make me think that i deserve her as friend? what have i done for her to make me even consider the possibility that i deserve her a friend?

and the answer is...




...nothing.



...and i found i could no longer defend myself.

so i tore down my walls of self-righteousness,
and indignation,

and wept.