I am my own problem and I will fix me.

A conversation with a good friend of mine yesterday drove many things on my mind back home to reality.

We talked about Dance and its place in our lives right now, being working adults who've graduated from a dance club and have chosen to pursue our passions other than dance.

We spoke about many things, but I think some points stood out to me and are really valuable bits of advice (and encouragement) that'll stick with me for a long time to come...

Why do you have to be good at something for it to make you happy?

Why is it that you want to be good at something that you love? Naturally we tend to pick things that we seem to have more aptitude for to pursue and to better ourselves at...but it doesn't mean that we have to be so good at them in order to be happy. I might not be the best dancer, artist, or singer, but dancing, drawing and singing makes me happy. Why must I complicate things and let the pressures of the world get to me? I enjoy competition, but if competition is pushing me to the extent that what used to make me happy now only makes me stressed, that's something to really reflect on.

Once in awhile I need to stop, look back, and think about why I pursue the things I pursue.

Sometimes we're so caught up in the chase that we pursue without meaning. What do you take classes for? What do you sign up for performances for? What do you come back for? What are you drawing for? What are you doing all this for? Take time, sit back, stop, listen, think, pray, reflect. Take time.

We need to make the best use of our time while we are still young.

There is no point in spending time doing things that make you unhappy. There is no point in spending time with people who make you unhappy, who make you feel horrible about yourself. Unless, that is, they are your family, in which case, you will simply have to suck it up and live with it. You can't change your family, after all, so deal with it. Now is the time to do the things you've always wanted to. When I had dance 10 times a week, I had to let my art go quite a bit. I had to let some friends go, I had to let many things go. But now, I've kinda gotten part of my life back, because I can no longer dance 10 times a week. And that's a good thing. I need to treasure it and make better use of it.

What other people enjoy doesn't have to be what you enjoy.

"I shouldn't have to prove anything to you." Why compare, honestly? You are so different from the friend beside you. There is no point comparing, there is no point being bummed out because you're not going for Summer Jam, because everyone's going overseas and you're not, because someone is doing something/being somewhere/being someone you're not. Because you're all different, and that's beautiful. It's so easy for me to look at someone else, victimise myself and whine about how much "less" of a life I have. It's totally not true. We all have lives, and we all have different ways to live them. It's pointless to feel bummed, even though these feelings are sometimes inevitable.

Staying away from social media newsfeeds sometimes does a lot of good.

I don't know why, but even for someone with as much need to be connected with people as myself, I find great relief in disconnecting and not knowing what the rest of my world is up to once in awhile. Browsing newsfeeds is a toxic thing to do in your leisure, because as you're relaxing and trying to take your mind off work/the world for awhile, the last thing you want to do is to check out who is where on holiday, who won what competition and achieved what award, who got married or had what baby...You don't want all these things that can innately create pressure in you humming at the back of your mind while you're trying to take a break. Things like these affect me (though I don't think they affect everyone), so I need to avoid doing this when I want a break.

***

Just needed to get that out of my system because it's been a stressful and demotivating period. I need a little bit of this once in awhile to get my engines all revved up like brand new again.

I'm glad I've moved on.

because the ultimate friend-zone is when his mum asks you why you don't have a boyfriend yet and gives you sincere heart-felt concern + advice about finding the right guy



I'm glad I'm so over all this shit.

That time of the year again.

Hahaha. Just made this for fun, not sure if anyone is going to see this. 

More of a shopping list reminder for myself. hehe.

Why.

Why do people call people who are nice to everyone hypocrites?

Are we so cynical that we're unable to believe that there are people who truly wish to do good to everyone?

Must we put down people who we perceive to be better than us just because it makes us feel more accepting of ourselves?

Why?

----

Why are some people so quick to judge and misunderstand?

Haven't we learnt that it is always good to think the best of others, and believe there is a reason and rationale for the way they act and the things that they do? Why do some people jump to such judgmental conclusions and cast others in mould they believe best fits them?

Why can't we try to understand each other sometimes?

Why?

---

Why do people assume things so quickly and so irresponsibly?

Why do we not put others first, and think about how much inconvenience this brings them, and how much we are heaping our expectations and our opinions on them?

Why do people think of themselves as first all the time?

Why?

---

Why do people think it is funny to constantly stamp on others' self-worth?

Don't we all know that humans are sensitive beings, and as much as we hate to admit, words can scar us deeper than physical wounds can?

Don't people know that some wounds are permanent and don't heal so easily?

Why?

---

Why do we do these things we would never do to ourselves to other people?

Don't they matter too?

Don't we ALL matter?

I don't understand.

Some questions just exist without bearing any satisfactory answers.

Dance For Us.

Do you know what gets in the way?

Life. Or at least, us trying to live it.

We try to live life to "its fullest", try to treasure every moment, try to make the best of whatever short time we have, and when we're contemplating our next move, we like to rely on this motto called the infamous YOLO, and use it as an excuse to do crazy things our rational selves would be slapping ourselves for.

We know life is short so we try to make the best out of it.
We try to pack ourselves as tight as we possibly can, to achieve as much as we possibly can, even if it is, actually, virtually impossible. We delude ourselves into thinking that as long as we can stretch ourselves as thin as we can go, we'll be able to experience everything we want to in its full richness, whilst coping with the restraints of time.

We only realise too late, that stretching ourselves thin dilutes each experience, and although we might get to experience more, each experience won't be as rich as it could have been had we chosen more wisely the things which we wish to go through.


We use #YOLO as an excuse to launch ourselves into things that might not have been the best decision to make, if only we had had the time and sense to think it through carefully first.
You only live once, but do you really want to screw over your one chance at life?

Some decisions need to be thought through carefully. Yes, some risks are worth taking, but when you rush into a decision and do things on impulse, are you sure it's truly worth the risk?

And yes, sometimes you have to plunge into things without being 100% sure that they'll work out. It's called having faith, and trusting that this is what you should be doing. But does this mean that you just put yourself on the launchpad for every damn thing that comes your way and launch yourself off before you even take the time to stop and think if this is the right launchpad you're launching yourself off from?


We cling to what we know and what makes us feel at home and happy in life.
This is normal, and this is good.
But what happens when we have to let it go?
What happens when good things come to an end, and it's time to move on?
I'm not sure if there's an option for us to keep clinging on forever. Sometimes things are such that we have to keep walking forward.
But what if we can't?
If everything that we have is already what we want, and we don't need to move on or move along to be happy? We'll be just as happy staying put here...

...till we see everyone else who matters to us walking ahead, and moving on without us.
Because, let's face it. It happens. People move on, and they're going to do it with or without you coming along.

***

I don't like moving on (possibly because I'm not very good at it) and I don't like it when life forces us to. But I guess, coming back for DU and watching it end once more has put me in touch with certain realities that are cruel, but so very true in life.

This is not the end of our friendships and relationships, but looking back, there are many ways I could have lived my life better, if I had known more about it. Right now, I just want to treasure everything I have, and give all of myself to the people that matter. :')

I love you all so much.

***

Dance was the reason I met you

It gave us the reason 
to trust and get to know and fall into deep friendship with each other
So even if I forget everything
I will always remember Dance 
as the beginning 
of this beautiful thing 
we have between us 

Even if we move on with life
And to a new chapter 
Just like I will never forget what Dance did for us
I will never forget you
and what you did
for us.

Why we do the things we do.

With the passing of two concerts comes the start of another memorable journey.

While my Facebook and other social media channels are still full of remnants of memories from my EMCC and DP journey this year, we just embarked on our RANXM journey yesterday night with Day 1 of 12. :)

Prac went really well, and I'm really excited to see how our item develops. Binh's prac also went well, it turned out to be this interesting Hiphop/Contemp fusion and I can foresee it's going to be a lovely item as well. So blessed to be in these two items!

In other news, I ordered a badge machine! So I'll be making badges on my own soon omg I'm so excited!!! XD

I want to make more of these badge sets so I can get rid of sell off my older badges and move on to newer designs with the new machine! :D 

Been on the receiving end for many many blessings in my life, work-wise, dance-wise, art-wise, friends-wise... So even though things sometimes life brings trials and troubles and threatens to tear you apart, or even worse, make you resign to monotony, just know that there is a purpose for every setback and every problem. (this is a reminder to myself, especially)

I've recently been questioning my purpose in life, and where I should be heading. Even after a year, life is still a big question mark for me. I don't know where I'll be in a year's time, I don't know where I want to be headed. All I know is that, wherever it is that I am now, with the ones that I love, doing the things that I love, trying to serve the God that I love...I'm happy. :)




...at least for now. :p

Every other day is a sleep deprived day, I wish there was a day I could sleep the day away, but I don't think I can ever forgive myself if I did that!!! xD

our neighbourhood cat Fatty also thinks sleep is goooood.

★ ☆ ★ 

Photo spam! :D

being crazy suppering after prac. supper just tastes so much better when you're enjoying it with the people you love! (what calories????!!!)

Have I ever mentioned how therapeutic eating alone is? Sometimes all we need is quiet me-time, to gather our thoughts, calm our minds, and just enjoy the things around us. That's why I sometimes don't mind eating alone. Not ALL the time,  but once in awhile me-time is good. :)

My favourite ramen from my favourite ramen store - Menya Musashi's Black sauce tsukemen. Comes with as much noodles as you want! :D 

I love boothing. Each time is a brand new fun kind of experience. There's just some wonder with people coming to your booth and admiring/sharing love for the series your merchandise is based on. Ah, to be a fangirl. 

RANXM got owned at a brain-teaser-based escape game. I think we would do better fighting zombies and crawling through lasers...

but our korean dinner that followed made the brain squeeze totally worth it! :D

☙ ❤ ❧

Loving times spent with loved ones.

This past Christmas Holiday was a really meaningful one, because I got to spend time with a lot of people that I care deeply about. :) Usually at this time of the year, I'll be overseas on holiday with my family. And though we didn't get to travel this year (first time having no year-end family holiday :( ), I guess being in the country during this time has its own benefits.

Gift Exchange in the Office!

One nice perk of working with a community of people is the (mandatory) sharing of gifts! It kinda reminded me of Secondary School Days, where we'd leave gifts for Friendship Day and so on on our friend's desks (when we still had permanent allocated seats then...) Except that we're like. Older. And working. Not schooling. Gah you get the point.

presents from colleagues! :D

Received a tonne of notebooks and journals this year, which totally fuels my notebook/stationery fetish. :D But I don't know how I'm going to finish all these... I have this thing where I can't bear to use up a book too fast so I SQUEEZE a lot of writing into a page. :/ I used to have this problem with sketchbooks where I squeeze a lot of drawings into a page so I wouldn't use the book up too fast, but I've somehow grown out of it after doing commissions and gift art. The notebook writing problem is still a problem though. 

my co-designer got me SnK stuff SQUEEEE.

BLB Outing

Got to meet up with Elise and Yan and catch up with their lives over Nana's Green Tea. It's a lovely place to chill out, and it wasn't too crowded despite it being Christmas Eve! We talked about Elise's Japan trip, work life, how everything was going... I realised I really love just spending time with my friends. We don't really need to be doing anything exciting, just the time spent with them makes me happy. x)

outing with the BLB girls where this is the only photo that emerged... (the rest are with Yan!)

Christmas Day Outing!

I rarely take OOTD shots but I really liked my new (cheap) randomly bought top hehe even though I was laughed at for being "too starry" by Haojun and Alden. =___=

We spent the day chilling at a cafe, talking, and catching up on what was going on in each other's lives (especially Haojun's, because I haven't seen him in forever lol).

When Grace arrived we ended up randomly going to visit The Little Black Jacket exhibition by Karl Lagerfield (Chanel Lead Designer) and got to try out this fun (free) arty activity hehe.

fun art activity that involved making our own decorated Christmas ornament!

stars and snowflakes just before The Little Black Jacket!

Gracie the Pharmacist~

more presents! :D

Ended the day off with Ichiban Boshi dinner with Grace, Pearlyn, Haojun and Alden which was full of laughs, (eyebrow) jokes, silly sharings, and just warm times spent with warm people. I don't know what I've done to deserve so many great friends and such great company over the festive season, especially because I know what it's like to spend it alone at home... So even though I didn't get to go overseas and don thick penguin jackets/scarves/mufflers, I'm still thankful, and I'm still happy. :) Christmas has always been a warm festival for me, and this year has not disappointed either.

As for an update...

Life has been really busy as of late, I still haven't finished everything I set out to achieve over the Christmas + New Year break. And it's....ALREADY THE 6TH DAY OF 2014 HELP. Although I'm struggling to manage the tonnes of things I want to do and manage, I guess I wouldn't have it any other way. I might whine a lot but I think this is the path that I wanna be on. The journey is far from over, and I'm savouring every moment of it.

What's coming up next - a PHOTOSHOOT OMG, Piecing #3 GAH, more rehearsals and chionging for the upcoming concerts! LET'S DO THIS.